WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Joe Biden was loaded onto a convenient death cart Wednesday despite protests that he was not yet deceased. Witnesses claim the president wriggled a bit in the grip of Vice President Kamala Harris as she insisted he was pretty much as good as dead and attempted to load him onto the cart.

SPACE — This week, NASA unveiled photos of distant galaxy clusters now visible from the world's most powerful telescope. After seeing the images, millions have reported an uncontrollable urge to praise whoever may have created such a majestic, expansive universe.

Guns are scary. This is a fact. They commit terrible crimes of their own accord, without any kind of input from an evil human being at all. But it's important to know the facts about guns, since we live in a society. The post Scary But True Facts About Firearms appeared first on The Babylon Bee .

U.S.—A disturbing report from the DOJ has revealed that up to 50,000 wives go missing each year in Cracker Barrel's country store, never to be seen again. This phenomenon has been occurring for decades but is only just now coming to light.  The post Alarming Report Indicates Up To 50,000 Wives Go Missing Each Year In Cracker Barrel Store appeared first on The Babylon Bee .

KYIV—This Wednesday, reports poured in that thousands of babies have been smuggling themselves into Ukraine dressed as Ukrainian soldiers. The refugee infants say they are seeking leftovers from the federal aid Biden has sent to the war-torn country. The post Starving American Babies Disguise Selves As Ukrainian Soldiers In Hopes Of Getting $40 Billion In Federal Aid appeared first on The Babylon Bee .

HEAVEN—According to sources, the Angel Gabriel has been fielding a barrage of criticism lately aimed at the Almighty God for assigning the gender of every living creature on Earth at conception.   The post God Criticized For Assigning Gender At Conception appeared first on The Babylon Bee .

Are you smart enough to spot the difference between a quote from the Vice President, and a muppet from Sesame Street?! Only the smartest, keenest of minds are able to discern the difference between a quote from Kamala Harris or Elmo. The post Who Said It: Vice President Kamala Harris Or Elmo? appeared first on The Babylon Bee .

WASHINGTON, D.C—The Senate has passed legislation that would make daylight savings time permanent. This decision has garnered bipartisan support but has run into a slight hiccup as congresswoman AOC has objected, stating we must continue to set our clocks twice a year. The post AOC To Vote Against Making Daylight Savings Permanent, Saying Americans Consume Too Much Sunlight Already appeared first on The Babylon Bee .

KYIV, UKRAINE—In a shocking move likely to intensify the threat of nuclear war, President Zelensky took the unprecedented step of asking Congress to send Florida-Georgia Line to play a concert for Russian troops. The post In Massive Escalation, Zelensky Requests America Send Florida-Georgia Line To Play Concert For Russian Soldiers appeared first on The Babylon Bee .

OTTAWA—Justin Trudeau has faced heavy criticism this week after allowing a strain of Freedom to spread through the Great White North. The Canadian Prime Minister addressed the nation on Tuesday to calm the fears of his adoring constituents, informing them he needed just two weeks to slow the spread of "world-annihilating freedom." The post Trudeau Explains He Just Needs Two Weeks To Slow The Spread Of Freedom appeared first on The Babylon Bee .

I've been watching football for a considerable amount of time -- the last three hours, more specifically -- and something doesn't quite add up for me. The post Why Don't The Players Just Run Around Everyone? -- Op-Ed By Your Wife appeared first on The Babylon Bee .

WASHINGTON, D.C.—With the announcement of Associate Justice Stephen Breyer’s pending retirement dominating the current news cycle, Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell has put forth the following statement: “The American people should have a voice in the selection of their next Supreme Court Justice. Therefore, this vacancy should not be filled until we have a new president.” The post McConnell Says Senate Should Not Confirm New Supreme Court Nominee Just Three Years Before Presidential Election appeared first on The Babylon Bee .

WASHINGTON, D.C.—As progressive Justice Stephen Breyer announced his retirement this week, President Biden wasted no time in nominating a progressive woman of color to the Supreme Court: Elizabeth Warren. The post Biden To Nominate Progressive Woman Of Color Elizabeth Warren To Supreme Court appeared first on The Babylon Bee .

UKRAINE—As Russian troops assemble at Ukraine's border ahead of a possible land invasion, President Biden has taken swift action by deploying an elite seal team to evacuate his son Hunter's money. The post Biden Administration Mounts Daring Mission To Evacuate Hunter’s Remaining Cash From Ukraine appeared first on The Babylon Bee .

PROVO, UT—After an exhausting conversation with some friends about his church, local member of the Church of Jesus Christ Of Latter-Day Saints LaDell Ballard wished there were a shorter way members of the Church of Jesus Christ Of Latter-Day Saints could say they were members of the Church of Jesus Christ Of Latter-Day Saints.  The post Member Of The Church Of Jesus Christ Of Latter-Day Saints Wishes There Were A Shorter Way To Say Member Of The Church Of Jesus Christ Of Latter-Day Saints appeared first on The Babylon Bee .

ATLANTA—A member of CNN's Misinformation Squad was found hiding under a desk in the basement after making a frightful call to the police. "The misinformation is coming from inside the building," whispered the terrified employee to an alarmed 911 dispatcher. The post 'The Misinformation Is Coming From Inside The Building,' Whispers Terrified CNN Misinformation Team Member appeared first on The Babylon Bee .

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In response to customer feedback, the FBI has pledged to make hoaxes or 'red flag operations' less obvious in 2022. The post FBI Promises To Make Hoaxes Less Obvious This Year appeared first on The Babylon Bee .

WASHINGTON, D.C.—President Biden boldly proclaimed to the nation this week how completely terrible his government is at addressing national crises - and libertarians have responded with a litany of effusive praise. The post Biden Approval Rating Among Libertarians Skyrockets After He Says Federal Solutions Don't Work appeared first on The Babylon Bee .

U.S.—According to sources, thousands of Americans living in the most prosperous, luxurious, plentiful period in the history of the human race think this was a really terrible year.  The post ‘Wow, What A Terrible Year!’ Say People Living At The Absolute Peak Of Human Civilization appeared first on The Babylon Bee .

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—Fans were shocked at last weekend's Army-Navy game when during the 4th quarter, both teams mutually forfeited the game and left billions worth of equipment on the field.  The post Army And Navy Both Forfeit Football Game, Leave Billions Worth Of Equipment On The Field appeared first on The Babylon Bee .